1st
to 7th September 2013 has been one hell of a week in Nairobi, hasn't it?
We
thought it was going to be all about the ICC and why signing on to Rome Statute
was up there with wearing Tokyo trousers as the worst decision Kenyans have
ever made, but that was before the three people we elected to the Apex of
Nairobi County’s inaugural government decided to spice it all up a little bit.
First,
it was Sonko Mbuvi, the money-dishing, gold-wearing, wall-punching,
foul-mouthed mound of unpredictable immaturity who sometimes remembers he is
the Senator from Nairobi.
The
saga began innocuously enough. Reportedly incensed that a certain misguided
comedian from a leading radio station had made some apparently inappropriate
remarks about his daughter, the senator decided he was going to call the radio
station and make his displeasure known.
Which,
in my opinion, was totally fine.
If
voicing his displeasure was all he was interested in.
But Senator
Mbuvi’s call to the radio station and his conversation with a leading female
presenter from the station, rather than end at displeasure-voicing and
apology-demanding or, if absolutely necessary, display the kind of reasoned
debate one would expect from a graduate of Punjab University voicing his
displeasure, instead produced something straight from the theater of the
farcical.
Which,
in my opinion, was totally not fine.
Both
the senator and the radio presenter are well known in their respective capacities,
attract varying degrees of adoration and derision from the general public, and
have been known to spar on occasion over a number of issues. But when the
presenter asked the senator a perfectly innocent question about sustainable
plans for the people of the city that didn't involve handouts, (something
Senator Mbuvi has perfected into an art form,) the senator was, quite
inexplicably, livid.
In
furious, unconcealed rage, he launched into a lengthy, jaw-dropping rant that
focused on the presenter’s presumed salary, alleged partying habits, apparent narcotics use and assumed fondness for
activities of the carnal type.
In a
bizarre exchange where all pretext of cordiality was flung to the four winds, the
senator mentioned everything except sustainable plans for the people of Nairobi,
and instead themed his tirade around advising the presenter on exactly where to
take her apparently considerable state of arousal before capping it all off
with what amounted to actual threats against her safety.
Did
I mentioned that the Senator had called in during the presenter’s live morning
show, and all this was live on air?
For
the next twenty-four hours, Nairobi and the rest of Kenya erupted.
***
Even
in this day and age where the average scandal has an average lifespan of a
couple of days, such drama as that of the senator and the radio presenter would
have been guaranteed a solid fortnight on water dispenser, drinking joints and
social media conversations.
But as
it was, twenty-four hours was all it took until the other two thirds of
Nairobi’s inaugural elected government decided to get into the action in one
fell swoop.
This
one too started innocuously enough. Prices are up. Salaries are not. City
Council workers want a salary raise that is commensurate with the rate of
inflation. They petitioned the governor, who said that was untenable at this
particular moment but promised to explore the matter further in due course.
End
of story? Well, not exactly.
Next in a nutshell, the workers congregated at
Jevanjee Gardens in the Nairobi CBD to force the issue. There, they were joined
by Hon. Rachel Shebesh, Nairobi County’s Women Representative to the Senate and
drama queen extraordinaire all rolled into one massive lump of kick-ass
attitude and a WTF! hairstyle.
The
workers needed a figure to lead their petition to the governor, and as an
elected representative of a constituency in Nairobi that forms almost half of
the county’s workforce, Representative Shebesh agreed to present the workers’
petition.
Which,
in my opinion, was totally fine.
If
presenting the workers’ petition was all she was interested in.
But
Representative Shebesh’s presentation to the governor, rather than take the
form of a calm, dignified march to the office of the county’s elected chief
executive followed by an equally dignified presentation of the petition and an
equally dignified wait for a formal response, instead took the form of a
pandemonium-packed invasion of a public
office by a disorganized swarm of goons led by the screaming representative.
Which,
in my opinion, was totally not fine.
An
opinion which His Excellency Gov. Evans Kidero, the elected Chief Executive
Officer of Nairobi County, totally shared.
So
totally shared that when it became apparent Representative Shebesh did not
understand how not fine he was with her antics, he lifted his right hand,
revved it back a couple of feet, changed its trajectory and connected it, hard,
square and solid, with the pile of flesh on Representative Shebesh’s left
cheek.
Did
I mention that all leading media houses had sent reporters to cover the event,
and all of them caught the incident live on camera?
Nairobi,
and the rest of Kenya, erupted.
***
Before
we continue, let’s get one thing out of the way.
It
has always been my opinion that the use of violence, both physical and
non-physical is an inescapable social reality, and every incident of physical
or verbal assault on anyone by anyone else, regardless of sex, should be considered within its particular
context.
But
that said, my opinion has always been that, if you are a man, then;
- Unless you are in reasonable danger of actual bodily harm from a woman, or,
- Unless a woman has harmed/insulted your mother, your child or your basic honor,
You
are under no circumstances whatsoever to lift your hand or mouth against any
woman.
I am
sure this is an opinion shared by a very great percentage of the world’s
civilized adult male population, and I am fairly certain Governor Kidero,
clothed in his irritating aura of haughty, dismissive over-achievement, belongs
to this population.
I am not too sure about Senator Mbuvi, though.
Senator
Mbuvi is a maverick, as non-conformist as they come and as obnoxious about his
non-conformism as a septic tank in a slum abattoir. But much as some of his
antics can be remarkably original and attention, grabbing, he needs to
understand that there are certain lines leaders do not cross, certain depths
true leaders never descend to.
Such understanding, though, can only come with
a certain level of maturity, which Senator Mbuvi’s attack on Ms. Caroline
Mutoko did not display. Even with the benefit of context, the attack was
unprovoked, unwarranted crass, juvenile and in such unbelievably bad taste,
anybody who listened to it will need a lifetime’s supply of sweet liquid
chocolate to wash it off.
As
for governor Kidero, his actions were, indeed, way out of line. But like I said
earlier, context is very important in the consideration of any incident, and
goon invasion of the office of the capital’s Chief Executive sounds to me like
a very reasonable context for more than just a little violence.
Throw
in a crazed woman screaming to the said Chief Executive’s face and I may not
agree with it, but I can totally understand a hard, square, solid one right to
the pile of flesh on said crazed woman’s cheek.
In
conclusion, Nairobi has in the past couple of days witnessed attacks, both
verbal and physical, by and on prominent personalities. That in itself is a
man-bites-dog occurrence indicative of the kind of Nairobi decorum and social
manners we do not want, and therefore worthy of certain actions by the personalities
in order to see that it never happens again.
Senator
Mbuvi needs to grow the fuck up.
Governor
Kidero needs to take anger management classes.
Representative
Shebesh needs psychiatric help.
And
all of them need to call a joint press conference, apologize to Kenyans,
promise never to bring such shame to us again.
And,
further in Senator Mbuvi’s case, an announcement of a lifetime’s supply of
sweet, liquid chocolate to every Nairobian.
