Saturday, December 19, 2009


It is not everyday that Moses turns down gorgeous female company, so when he curtly told some lady he was unavailable and hung up on her the other night at Elvis' place as we swilled beers to celebrate the end of our week-long alcohol-free sentence, we were quite understandably concerned.

"What's the matter? Have you lost your Mojo?" I asked.

"Are you sick? Have you lost your mind?" Allan added.

"Relax, fellaz. My Mojo and my health are perfectly in order, thank you very much." Moses protested. "And my brain is too, which is more than I can say of some people in present company." He added and shot Allan a withering look.

"Then why did you behave so contrary to character just now? Allan asked. "I mean, I haven't encountered such strange behaviour since when I saw a Moslem at a confessional."

"When was that?" Elvis' wife asked, shooting her husband a warning glance as his hand moved towards yet another bottle of Pilsner.

"Er...Never." Allan replied, and the ensuing laughter provided enough distraction for Elvis to grab the bottle and pop its cap in one fluid motion.

"Hey, tone down guys. You'll wake the kids." Elvis' wife cautioned. "But seriously, Moses, I'm also curious. Why did you blow that girl off like that? If someone did that to me he'd better be able to run faster than I can drive."

A most apt comparison. The mere thought of Mrs. Elvis behind the wheel of a vehicle was enough to send a chill down our respective spines.

"Let's just say Sasha must be the reason the concept of 'extreme' even entered the realm of human perception." Moses said, and Allan pointedly told him that this was modern day Kenya, not Shakespearen England. "In modern day Kenya," he finished, "people try as much as possible to get straight to the point."

"Sasha is this Russian girl I dated a couple of months ago. Her dad is some attaché or the other at the Russian Embassy in Nairobi." Moses started to narrate. "I had to leave her because I found her preferred ideas on sex and relationships a tad bit too hedonistic even for me."

"Whips, cuffs and garter belts?" I asked.

"For starters." Moses replied. "This girl is into some really deep stuff. Swinger, sadomasochism, ritualistic, the works. At first I thought it was a good way for me to push my horizons in the carnal dimension, but when it got to the drugs, I decided that maybe some horizons should just remain horizons."

"Drugs?" We all asked incredulously and in unision.

"One evening she invited me to a party thrown in honor of some visiting Kremlin official." Moses went on without missing a beat. "Obviously, we retired to her place after the party, and there we were joined by a friend of hers, a norwegian whose name I didn't catch because it was entirely made up of consonants."

We all laughed and again, the uproar covered the hissing sound of Elvis popping yet another Pilsner.

"Anyway, Sasha made us all drinks. I'd asked for Vodka but she gave me Whisky, and we made light conversation. However, we had already drunk enough at the party and both girls' English was just a little better than atrocious, so we soon moved on to what had really brought us here. And it was spectacular!"

"So where did the drug come into all this?" Elvis asked.

"They came in the drinks. Literally." Moses answered. "You see, the experience was altogether really intense and we were at it for quite some time. When we were done, I heard Sasha tell the Norwegian girl she hadn't believed there was Ecstasy in Kenya, but now she was sure there was.Initially, I thought she meant ecstasy, as in the emotion. But towards morning, the Norwegian girl suddenly started convulsing and passed out. We immediately called an ambulance, and at the hospital, toxicology tests revealed very high levels of Ecstasy, the drug, in her bloodstream."

"You mean she overdosed on the drug?" Someone asked.

"Yes, that's exactly what I mean." Moses said irritably. "And I also mean that she overdosed on a drug that had been meant for me."

"What!" We all asked again incredulously and in unison.

"Remember I asked for Vodka and Sasha gave me Whisky? Well, the Whisky had been for the Norwegian girl, and Sasha, who had all along meant to spike my drink, mixed up the glasses and gave her my Ecstasy-laced Vodka instead."

1 comment:

  1. Hhhmmm, these friends of yours... I am beginning to think them imaginary.