When not busy beating the living hell out of dissenting citizens, Mahmood Ahmadinejad, President of the Islamic Republic of Iran, splits his time equally between scaring the living hell out of Israel and pissing the living hell off Uncle Sam.
Ahmadinejad: (Beating the holy crap out of a dissenter) So you wanted Mousavi, heh? I am your president, mpende msipende. You think Mousavi is your mother? Just wait till I'm done with you...
Uncle Sam: Now now, Mahmood, that isn't the way democratic leaders deal with dissent, especially when there is such ample justification for dissent...
Ahmedinejad: You stay out of this, you infidel! You want Mousavi to win so that you will connive with him to steal our oil, like you did in Iraq and Afghanistan...
Uncle Sam: You are mistaken, Mahmood. I'm only interested in promoting democratic practises and human rights, both of which you are seriously violating right now.
Ahmedinejad: But I won fair and square, only for this son of Iblis and his ilk to come in and cause trouble! ( Continues beating the dissenter) Ati Ahmedinejad must go, heh? Niende wapi! Just wait and see. I am going to kick you so hard between the legs that your nuts will pop out through your eye sockets...
Uncle Sam: Mahmood!
Ahmedinejad:...I'll make your face look like Israel after I've dropped a nuclear bomb there...
Uncle Sam: As a matter of fact, that is why I'm here to see you. Thing is, the rest of the world is very concerned about the high number of nuclear weapons in the world, and I feel it is my duty to ask you to abandon your nuclear programme.
Ahmednijad: (incredulously) Now why would I do such a dumb thing? You have nuclear weapons. Russia has nuclear weapons. Pakistan has nuclear bomb, as does India. For Allah's sake, even that crazy dwarf from North Korea has a couple of warheads. Why are you so hard on me?
Uncle Sam: Because everybody else is open about their nuclear programs except you. We are afraid that you just might decide to fire a missile off in the general direction of Israel.
Ahmadinejad: I wouldn't do such a thing! My nuclear programme is purely for energy purposes. (aside) Enough energy, of course, to wipe every Jew and his fourth cousin twice removed from the face of the universe.
Uncle Sam: That may be true, Mahmood, but the I and the rest of the International Community would feel just a little more comfortable if you abandoned the programme alltogether.
Ahmedinajad: Well, you and the rest of the International Community can apply your favourite lip balm and kiss my Arab behind, because that is not going to happen.
Uncle Sam: Stop being so difficult, Mahmood. You know I can put more sanctions on you and cripple your economy.
Ahmadenijad: (Laughs) Surely, Sammy Boy, that is so old! You have got to be more creative at threatening me than that.
Uncle Sam: (Now at the very end of his tether) Mahmood, this is no laughing matter. Either you report to the negotiating table or I will allow Israel to go ahead and obliterate anything that even looks like a nuclear facility.
Ahmadinejad: OK OK! Don't get yourself all knotted up. I'll be at your disposal as soon as I receive the specifics from Arak, Ardakan, Bushehr, Isfahan, Qom...
Uncle Sam: Now just a minute. You mean you have another facility, another nuclear facility, at Qom?!
Ahmadinejad: Oops...
Testing...
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